Rise/Fall Rise/Fall Rise/Fall…Repeat….

First, I want to start by saying that my poor young, innocent mother tried SO hard to shelter me from the meanness in the world…She just had no idea that the “BOOGYMAN was so close and usually trusted! My uncle got me at 3 years old, a neighbor when I was 5..My mother’s own boyfriend when I was 7 and then I was raped at a party when I was 13..By this point my “purpose” in life was pretty clearly spelled out for me! I decided , if the men were gonna take me anywamaking up to 5 that I should at least get paid for it! I became a professional sex worker. First as a stripper, then a high end escort/call girl making up to 500.00 per hour Add to that undiagnosed Bi-polar disorder and I was a pretty fucked up “stew” I had severe mood swings, body dysmorphia and was full of shame and self hatred. I tried to self medicate, first with eating disorders(both anorexia and bulimia)all through my teen years, through my 20s and beyond it was alcohol and cocaine. I am a fiercely driven and determined personality.. This is great when I’M on a healthy path..However, super scary when I’m in a self destructive mode! I would do great things and create great art while I was sober, only to destroy it all when I would relapse.. I fought so hard to stay sober my whole life but the longest I could ever get was a year or two, then the pain would become unbearable and I would crash once again. This continued until my stroke in 2013. I am proud to say that now I have almost 10 years clean and sober! I was on a relapse right before my stroke. Most of my relapses lasted between 10 days and 2 weeks. This was was my worste ever..I really wanted to die, and came so damned close to it! I was at home, wasted, doing my best to keep seeing clients, when a glass candle holder fell to the floor and shattered into a pile of broken glass. While trying to clean it up, I stepped back onto a thick jagged piece of glass it created a very deep punture wound into the arch of my left foot. This pushed a Staph bacteria into my bloodstream. I developed sepsis and the infection went into my heart and caused my hear valves to malfunction cutting off the oxygen to my brain, causing me to have a stroke. I woke up in the E.R. Having no idea what happened..( this was actually not that uncommon, I had woken up in ERs and jails often in the past)Usually after a few days of eating and sleeping I would be good as new. This was quite different though..I couldn’t sit up, I couldnt move anything on my left side and my face felt numb, I also had no control of my bladder, and had to wear a diaper(WTF?!!)MY husband was standing near the foot of my bed, I told him that I wanted to go home. He told me that I had had a severe stroke and was going to be transferred to a long term care hospital for physical therapy..I thought he was joking at first.. I thought only old people had strokes!I learned that there are many different kinds ofstrokes(fun fact I didn’t know either!)This was quickly turning into my worst nightmare ever,( and I’ve had some doozies)the worst part is realizing this is REALLY HAPPENING!No waking up in a cold sweat, but back to normal life…I felt like I was falling backwards into a dark chasm..down..down.. down..The light above shrinking down to a pinpoint. I kept waiting to hit the ground at the bottom, but there was no bottom, no end..just falling for years! THE LITTERAL GRAVITY of the situation made it hard to breathe. The breathtaking hopelessness that before, I had only experienced at the end of a drug relapse, was now PERMENANT!When I got to the long term care hospital, the put me in my first ever wheelchair.AS I looked down at the wheelchair around me, I continued to fall fall fall into the darkness..They showed me how to drape my paralyzed leg over my working leg to keep it out of my way so I could propel myself with my working leg. SO THIS was my life now?!! No more dancing , no more running, no more soooo many things!! How was I gonna survive this ?COULD I SURVIVE THIS?!Did I even want to survive this?!!Secretly, I was praying to die in my sleep! This new world was far more terrifying than I could bare..! I have ALWAYS had the strength of my own body before..The one thing I could always count on to get me out of “jams” Now I couldn’t fight or flight! I had no idea how to make it in THIS LIFE.I had 2 roomates in my hospital room. Suzette was a 500 pound woman with tons of health problems..She was totally bedridden, had not walked in over 10 years.The other roomate was an elderly black woman named Janie.Janie had a wonderful deep belly laugh..Iloved to make her laugh, and I GOT quite good at it!I think connecting with these 2 women,even just calling out accross the room, I think was my first glimpse ofsomething that felt like “hope” The fact that I could laugh kind of startled me!If I could laugh, then there must be some part of me that can rise up out of my situation…There was still a “me” in here..Hmm..I thought..just hmmm..for now..I had no idea how much power “hmmmmm”HAD!! The doctors there were also able to finally diagnose my bi-polar disorder and get me on proper medication for it!OMG!!I finally felt”normal” in my head!I didn’t realize how badly I had been affected by the bi-polar until it was finally treated!My husbands familywere so wonderful and kind to me..They came from all over to visit me and bring me treats!I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH! I had never had a “family” before, it was always just my mom and me..After I got the hang of pulling myself along in my chair with my “good” right leg, I would venture all over the hospital campus..It was a huge place!I would go to the gift shop with Suzettes shopping list and delivered love letters from one patient to her “forbidden” lover that stayed in another wing of the hospital! This gave me a sense of”usefulness” and some scraps of dignity(even in my diaper…arrrggg!)I loved making people laugh and some good ,old fashioned “gallows” humor was definitely appreciated in that invironment! and I was really good at it…The more irreverent the better!! One day it was time for me to be discharged but I had no home to go back to.I had lost my apartment because I was MIA for so long and not paying rent. They dropped me and my bag of clothes off at a Salvation Army homeless shelter..Oh God! WHAT NOW?!!Well as soon as my mother and father in law saw were I was, the immediately invited me to stay with them until my husband and I were able to get another apartment in a low cost government housing building(SOC.Sec. disability was my only income and I was completely unable to work, being half paralyzed!Thank goodness Kent had grabbed our furnature and put it in storage!When we moved in and I was finally at HOME, surrounded by my familiar stuff, I was finally able to unclinch my fists and properly grieve and start healing..One day, I got my courage up and called my old acting teacher! I found out he was still teaching and had his own school now!I thought to myself..ICAN ACT IN A WHEELCHAIR!WHY NOT?! MY first night back to class, sitting out in front of the theater, I cried such tears of gratitude!! I started reading and performing Shakespeare(a lifelong dream of mine but didn’t think i was good enough..ha! Nothing like a “near death” experience to help you figure out your true priorities and give you some brass balls!During the pandemic, CLass was held over ZOOM THAT opened up the possibilities in my head, of how much of my carreer dreams could be done on my computer with my own website..I could literally create a whole universe for me to “play” in! Doing my art for the JOY OF IT!! I can now walk slowly with a cane but still no use of my left hand/arm Have typed this whole piece with my one right index finger!Tired, I am now…However….FULL OF JOY and HOPE!