Beauty magazines are evil

(having just read Cosmo) Why do I do this to myself? Especially at my age? Fuck, even at 18 I was never THAT perfect…but, I was just close enough to believe if I used this cream or that or this lipstick and that eyeshadow I could somehow bridge the “gap” Logically, I know that without airbrushing even Claudia Shafer doesn’t look like Claudia Shafer in the magazines! And Christy Brinkley is a fucking alien that never ages! She must bathe in baby blood while sipping on a formaldehyde martini….! I was 18 when I first moved to L.A. I learned very quickly that the price of admission to pretty much EVERYTHING was beauty.. Beautiful girls never waited in long lines at nightclubs. They were plucked up and escorted straight to the VIP room and handed a glass of champagne and offered a line of coke. They are also always invited to the very “private” after parties.. I had my shot for a time but I was always a kind of B lister. . Never quite a Full A.. Just close enough to torture myself myself with hours long hair and makeup routines, killing myself at the gym every day and counting every calorie that crossed my lips. I lived in a perpetual state of starvation! Every once in awhile the starvation would overpower me and I would just have to eat something…then, I would sit there in shame before running to the ladies room to relieve my conscience with two fingers to the back of my throat. So, I guess the one consolation of being my age now, is that I am completely out of the running.. There are no wheelchair ramps at the Viper Room. But perfect looking girls still scare me and make me hate myself. I have been so indoctrinated in the belief that beauty trumps all! Talent or creativity is never quite  as important as how you look for a woman in this system. It hurts so much, STILL ! It really fucking hurts…..