Useless,worthless,life ruining, selfish,wrong, bad, ugly, smells bad, infections, skin rashes….SHAME! Shame is the hardest feeling for me to endure, and I am steeped in it! When you are told long enough that it is all your fault, you believe it! As a small child looking up at the adults towering over you, they are like “Gods” You need them for everything, your very survival depends on Them, to feed you, teach you how to communicate and what is expected of you in the world. They can do no wrong, so if something is wrong, it must be me and if I can’t pinpoint a bad action I’m doing to cause the “badness” then it must just be ME, my body, my very existence causing it. A lot of us will focus on a “flawed” body part because shame an sex are concepts far over the head of a small child. We develop body dysmorphia disorder,anorexia and severe social anxiety. We feel everyone is staring at our perceived “flaw” and judging us. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not young enough, just not….enough. Or too much, you can never win. Only by stopping the fight can you get any kind of peace, but the minute you let your guard down..like at bedtime, just this word fills me with dread and apprehension, lying there in the endless dark. the time between lights out and when I actually fall asleep, IF I can sleep! I haven’t been able to sleep without medications in years, this is my minds very favorite time to pick on me. It plays endless videos in my head…The most awful, demoralizing moments of my life. It lays me open, naked on the sidewalk for everyone to walk by and stare at.filthy,dirty, discusting but I have to get up, get my next fix any way I can. It is these moments when I pray for death to take me. But what of all the people I’ll hurt by dying? Goddamned it! Even my death would be a nuisance! Why was I born ? What was the point?That question will have to wait for another day cuz right now I’m trying to figure out why do I continue to live? I could die, like right now, but I continue to choose life…why? There is a reason, a big one, I feel it’s power every time I pull myself up..but I can’t quite see it. Somehow I just “intuit” it.. so, just keep going, maybe get answers one day?