I’m feeling sad, scared,confused and rejected by my mom today. Somehow I’ve become ” one of THEM” A burden…I feel like I should just kill myself, so I don’t have to ever worry about bothering you
ever again…Whenever we get close, something or SOME ONE comes between us and you push ME back…Why ME? Not THEM? I have EARNED YOU… THEY haven’t.. Why do THEY get you, and I get the scraps? I’M too small to fight them off..Why do you lump me in with all the “OTHERS” MOM? Since forever, I’ve only wanted to be by your side ” at the soup pot” I wanted to save YOU! t But I am really getting tired of getting “kicked to the curb” with the rest of them, whenever you decide to throw up your you throw up your AL-anon walls, it’s been 10 years since I was struggling with addiction. During this time I have fought like mad to try and make up for the past, for putting you through all that fear! I thought we were good now! I’M devastated ,confused and feel so alone. So, we have talked since, and I now understand that it was a big misunderstanding.. However, my feelings were very real so I asked your permission to post this as an example to other survivors as to how quickly a brain that has been shattered by childhood trauma can revert back to the age it was during the abuse. My wonderful mother has been a HUGE part of my recovery and has told me to write in my blogs ANYTHING that I think might resonate with other survivors. I want to make it very clear that my mother had no idea that her boyfriend was molesting me , I hid it very well cuz I thought it was somehow MY fault! Likewise with my uncle when I was 3 until I did tell her about him. She freaked out and moved us far away from the family! People tend to throw all the blame on to the mother when there is family trouble, not fair and I won’t let it happen to my mom. My mom was never the “bad guy” She was the “young one” the” scared” one and often the “exausted one” but never ever the “bad one” My mother was and continues to be my best friend in the whole world!! This blog was just intended to show how far reaching the effects of child sexual abuse can be and how quickly”just kill yourself” is the first thought of some one who feels worthless and helpless in the world. Even with all the therapy and work I’VE done in this area, I was so quickly and so severely triggered by just the way my mom’s voice sounded( she was irritated by a friend of hers..nothing to do with me!)
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